Pauline!

Lady #2: Pauline Black! I'd really like to kick these out on a sort of spontaneous, weekly-ish basis. But the second in a series always turns out a bit more precious than the first for me. So the Queen of 2 Tone ended up more precise than I'd meant, but hey that's fine!

I've been thinking a ton about racial identity lately. I kind of can't stop now that I've started. All throughout my childhood I took my heritage for a granted a little. I'm pretty sure I pass for white. And the thing about being Asian is that for a looong time, I'd had it ingrained in my brain that Asians don't qualify as people of color. My family didn't push this idea on me; it's just a bigger, societal assumption that happens. So I felt pretty white. And obviously, as a white-passing biracial woman, I'm allowed to move through the world differently than other biracial people who look more strikingly ambiguous or non-white. It also means that, at different points in my life, I've seriously wondered if I'm allowed to stake any claims to my heritage. But now that racial identity has become so topical, I'm analyzing my feelings toward this constantly. And dammit, I am what say I am and my heritage is mine!

Pauline Black is so inspirational to me in so many ways. When I first discovered her as a teen, her tomboy presentation was a clincher. I was also really drawn to Patti Smith during that time, but Pauline's ever so slightly feminine and fuller-bodied tomboyism was much more achievable for me. She dressed like dudes and looked so cool and appealing doing it. There was no sort of irony in it. And there was no real, insecure counterbalancing to it either, like slathering on makeup– or I dunno, wearing a badge that said, "Oh BY THE WAY I'm a woman, okay!?" That is HUGE for a stubbornly contrary teenage girl who's going through a phase of being constantly mistaken for a boy.

But I didn't know then that she was biracial. And my adult self who does know loves her even more. She's intelligent and beautiful and totally singular. Definitely a hero.

"They asked you if you're alright. You say yes."

Cyndi!

I don’t draw enough women. This has been a thing for me for a long time– basically since I drifted away from my preteen Sailor Moon obsession. I’ve only realized it in recent years, and I try to keep it at the front of my mind every time I start a project. Every so often I give myself a small challenge to address the issue. And they end up being valuable exercises, but they’re almost always pretty low-stakes. They’re sketchbook pieces. So as often as I can, I’m trying to draw more ladies. But beyond just drawing them, I especially want to elevate them past exercises and onto tight, finished works.

The other thing: It’s been several months since I last completed a big, ambitious project. There have been a succession of pet portraits in the meantime. Those have been gratifying and important as well, but I’ve also missed my usual thing. And rather than dive right into another grueling month-long piece, I’m wondering about my ability to execute something really cool and semi-polished in a shorter span of time.

The other other thing: a purely colored pencil drawing, for once!

So I’ve set myself the ongoing task of doing some thoughtful, striking tributes to some of the lovely women who inspire me. Starting with: Cyndi!

When Cyndi Lauper sings she deftly maneuvers between uninhibited belting and gentle sighing. I love her vocal style a lot because it's intense and soulful and totally singular. And of course, she’s also just so appealingly flashy. Cyndi’s visual flair is something I would never attempt for myself, and it teeters on the brink of good taste. But it’s so empowering to see her do it, because her confidence means she nails it.

“Here I am. Just like I said I would be.”

Kill The Car

Ferris Bueller's Day Off is the best of John Hughes's teen films, no contest. And Cameron Frye is one of his most compelling young characters. Alan Ruck plays him flawlessly, and one of my favorite things about Alan Ruck is his lovely, cartoonishly expressive face. Ferris is my top Hughes's joint (and one of my all-times, period) because it strikes such a perfect balance between his tendencies toward the surreal, and his knack for realistically depicting young torment. There's essentially no cheese (cough, cough, BREAKFASTCLUB, cough), the slapstick is nuanced and clever (cough, cough, WEIRDSCIENCE, hack, cough), and it's just perfect. Cameron is a particularly great character because his angst is so relatable. He carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, and it has a very easy time of crushing him. His and my baggage don't come from the exact same place, thankfully (my parents are not destructively cold, repressive, or intimidating). But I definitely feel an affinity for the imperfect, fearful, angry neurotics of the world. And that feeling grows as I get older and more and more existential.

Cameron Frye is definitely on the old tribute wishlist that I've mentioned before. It feels good to be making some decent headway within it, finally. Nothing really compares to the excitement you feel when you're young and you find something new that you love. Lots of grand ideas floated through my head when I was in the throes of my Beatles infatuation, and my Clash worship, and all that. But I didn't know where to start then, and I wasn't sure I could tackle them, so I just wrote them down and carried on. Now I know I can finally do it and it feels awesome (except for the CURSED ACHES AND PAINS, BLEURGH). These bigger tributes are taking me longer than I'd like. Sometimes the ideas seemingly won't come. But as Mr. Strummer says: "Nothing in the world can take the place of persistance. Talent will not. There is nothing more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not. Unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not. The world if full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent." Phew. How can we not love Joe?

Several years ago, it struck me for the first time that it was possible for me to utterly fail. It was a slow dread realization that dragged on throughout the year. It's the absolute worst thing about growing up. I could feel the wheel starting to roll on without me. I felt doomed. And then I stepped back and knew that all that was shit. After all, we're just the Pale Blue Dot. Some obstacles– like making enough money, dammit– feel impenetrable. But if we all die in the end, it's probably worthwhile to try to get over them, right? So I started thinking seriously about how to use that new point of view. In that process, I drew inspiration from things like Cameron's passionate monologue at the film's climax. And I finally understood the movie.

"No, forget it. Forget it. I gotta take a stand. I’m bullshit. I put up with everything. My old man pushes me around, I never say anything! Well he’s not the problem, I’m the problem. I gotta take a stand. I gotta take a stand against him. I am not gonna sit on my ass as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of MY life; I’m gonna take a stand. I’m gonna defend it. Right or wrong, I’m gonna defend it."

I still spend a lot of time ruminating apprehensively on my future. I still sometimes fear that I am doomed, that there's no more time, etc. But, I do my best to always put my foot down when I close those thoughts. Because ultimately, despite how insistently outside forces might hold me down, I am in charge.

XTSea

Well, this is the piece that broke the camel's eyes! I knew it would take me a comparatively longer time to render one of my pantheon bands, especially one with four members. But I found myself sidelined in the middle of this one with INCAPACITATING eye strain. Like, floating floor, bruised eyeballs, head in a vice. That's never happened to me before, and it is a bitch! So here we are three months later, with reading glasses, and a new resolve. (Alas, my eyeballs still hurt a bit, but I guess I'll get there eventually.)

SO...

Drums and Wires was my first real dive into XTC. I was very into a heaping handful of material from White Music and the big obvious (awesome) ones like "Dear God" and "Making Plans For Nigel" prior to that. Any self-respecting budding punk/post-punk/new wave fan should be. But Drums and Wires was my definitive entry point. Along with Depeche Mode's Construction Time Again, it became a deeply defining marker in time for me the winter I discovered it. Both albums are icy, urgent, and a bit distant. And in the case of Drums and Wires, also passionate and nervous. There's an imperfect intricacy to that record that really resonated with me. In the beginning, XTC were not one of my gold-plated treasures like The Beatles, The Clash, and DEVO. But they've been slowly, patiently ascending the ranks as the years have gone by and my old favourites have sort of settled in and made space. And in that way, they're sort of like my first grown-up band? After Drums and Wires, they drew me closer with Black Sea. Then at twenty-one I sat down with English Settlement. And it became another extremely vivid wintertime marker. (Andy's "Melt the Guns" yelps and whines were a bit confounding to my Jena. ♥) It's a complicated, daydreamy, heartrending beauty. I love it for the same reasons I love Revolver and Rubber Soul. It's a lush, innovative turning point in the band's career, but it's not too slick or indulgent. Anyway, then I was a goner.

What is it that I love about XTC? They're not traditionally cool. They're intelligent, humble, and funny. Their melodies are graceful but not too graceful. They're crisp and fresh, no matter how many times I relisten. They're heroes, dammit!!

Bonus points for their respect for women! In the seventies/eighties, no less!! ("Isn't it a shame you kicked that girl? Isn't it a shame she kicked you back, jackass." Ahhh.)

Bonus bonus points for the "No Language in Our Lungs" scene in the "The Diary" episode of Freaks and Geeks. (Can we all agree the Bill-centric episodes are the best ones?)

Sketches, studies, and ponderings. SO MANY SKETCHES, STUDIES, AND PONDERINGS. JUST DRAW THE DAMN THING ALREADY.

You're not the boss of me, eyes!

Gah, guh, gurrghhh...
Okay, maybe you are a little.

I DID IT!!!*

*whimpers, collapses

"And I've got one, two, three, four, five
senses working overtime
trying to take this all in."

And Consquently...

Yeah! It is an exhilarating kick in the rear when everything comes together willingly and you think you've worked out the formula for success. The formula changes as you change, of course, but still it's nice. My little tribute to Edwyn Collins came together in an easy-going two weeks.

I'm running out of ways to say that I love smart, slightly off, heartfelt music with a sense of humor. But there, I guess that's one. Edwyn is an inspirational figure for me because he was a non-singer singing really hard anyway, he was kind of camp, really witty, perverse. And, oh yeah, he draws too! Add to that that a man defined by his quick wit and knack for words had everything snatched away from him by two cerebral hemorrhages, he (and his loved ones) put the pieces back together again, and now he's back at it anyway! What a guy! And Scottish!

Sketches and studies.

All laid out.

The satisfying art of drawing straight lines.

"Only my dreams satisfy the real needs of my heart.
I resist."

Hey Girl

As a teenager, I did not like being female. I did not feel like I had any control. I felt like an object, and I felt like I was required to fit within someone else's mould. As a result, I was as contrary as I could manage. I hacked off my own hair, got called "young man" a few times, wore boxy unisex band shirts pretty much exclusively, you get the picture. Nowadays I'm glad I had those experiences, and I feel empowered. Because what's the worst that could happen? I love being a woman because it puts me in a position to understand disadvantage.

So I encountered this question about what a woman's place should be now, considering the bizarre political climate. I thought about how frustrated and tired I am. And I thought about how, despite the adversities I face personally, there are so many others who are a million times more vulnerable and exhausted than I am now. I came to the conclusion that my place specifically is about opportunity. It's about opening doors, breaking windows, and grabbing seats at the table for those who are struggling to get one. I'm not making any groundbreaking strides in my daily actions. But I'm trying, if at times only by paying attention and not shutting up. And being a woman now is about being true to myself and my values. In the end, it doesn't matter how I may be perceived.

Sketches and studies. Doors 'n' windows 'n' chairs.

I also thought a lot about some cool women whom I admire. There are a lot. For this one though, I opted to model my girl mostly after Rachel Bor of the underrated Dolly Mixture, a little bit after Poly Styrene, and with a touch of Pauline Black.

I've recently started fumbling around with gouache. I've still got a long way to go, but I adore it. In that spirit I went unintentionally opaque with my watercolor, and then I rolled with it. Possibilities!

"Some people think that little girls should be seen and not heard..."

I want it loud as hell.

OK Go. I've thought about it, and I realize that this band has managed to pop up every time I've gone through a major life struggle. Apparently some people think that they are gimmicky and their music is ho-hum???? If you are one of those people, GET OUTTA HERE! GO!! YOU'RE THE WORST! They are committed to their art, they are thoughtful, they are original, Stephen Colbert loves them, and I love them too!

It is my goal to see them every time they venture within my vicinity. They never ever disappoint, and I would like to know what I'd have to do to get them to play on demand for me? They so love what they do and their shows are just trancendental.

I finally started painting my own shirts last year and it's an extremely fulfilling achievement for a nerd.

Also, that happened.

Anyway, it's the "End Love" goose (his name is Mario and he's famous). Also Tim.

As it turns out, stamping is a lot harder than simply stenciling. More panic-inducing for sure. More left to chance. But it turned out all right in the end.